I Identify
It's time to come clean about who I really am
“I identify” is a magical incantation
I don’t have to change, everyone else does
Disagreeing with me is hatred
Rules are for other people
I'm tired of living a lie. It's time that I let out the real me and stopped bowing to public pressure. So, in the spirit of social progress, I want to announce to everyone that I now openly identify as "tax exempt." Sure, on paper I look completely taxable — and that’s how people have always treated me — but that's not who I really am on the inside.
Thankfully, our witless contemporary culture has taught me that using the phrase, "I identify" will realign the fundamental nature of reality to accommodate my eccentricities. Saying, "I identify" means that no matter how certain a thing may appear, it really isn't certain at all…unless I want it to be, because truth is my plaything.
And perhaps best of all, “I identify” means that while I don't have to change a single thing about my behavior, I get to demand that everyone else change theirs. You see, even though you may have a right to freedom of speech, it turns out that my sensitivity outranks your constitutionally-protected, God-given right. Just because you think I'm taxable doesn't mean you're allowed to refer to me that way. No, when it comes to discussing my tax status, your words must always reflect my thoughts. Anything else would just be bigotry.
Should anyone, such as an IRS agent, take issue with my true, tax-exempt identity, I will expose his bigotry on social media by making prodigious use of words ending in “ist” and “phobe.” These miracle words will allow me to avoid dealing with the substance of his arguments by simply writing him off as mentally defective. Also, in case I forgot to mention it, he is a racist.
And in related news, the disarmament crowd will be pleased to know that, despite the formidable presence of heavy firepower on my person at all times, I will now also be identifying as "unarmed." I’m tired of being labeled with phrases like “gun owner” or “non-victim” or “anti-tyranny.” Stop trying to put me into a category!
Now, thanks to being “unarmed,” I no longer have to turn away when I see a sign that says, “Gun-free zone.” That sign doesn’t apply to me anymore because I identify.